So You Know Me Better Than I Do?
Today’s entry is going to be a somewhat bitter reflexion, since I’m getting more and more tired of arguing about these things.Why is it that people keep on telling me that I’m too young to decide to remain childfree, but not too young to decide to take on the commitment of bringing up a child for 18 years? Why is it that they’re so sure that if I don’t have a child now, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life? What gives them the right to speak in my name—and, come to think of it, is this attitude so natural to human beings, or am I just unlucky? Do we all have this tendency, about any matter and opinion that is?People seem to forget that I’m 26, not 16, with a professional life and a couple life as well since the past 5 years—not a kid barely out of her teens who doesn’t even know what to expect from life. Come to think of it, I’ve never had any desire to bring a child to this world. I’ve never even played like little girls did. When my parents offered me a carriage and doll for Christmas, I tossed the doll aside and played with the carriage’s wheels for hours on end. When “Santa Claus” came to our school, I cried because I couldn’t have a small car like the boys, and was stuck with ridiculous pink plastic pearls. The mock vacuum-cleaner? I turned it into a spaceship. The Barbie dolls? They became Lara Croft before Lara Croft ever existed. Anyone claiming that “every little girl already dreams of being a mother” should keep me out of this statement.They don’t know me better than I do know myself. They don’t know what kind of experiences I’ve already had, simply because I never told them. Who has any right to tell me what I should do with my body? Who are they to label me stupid, ignorant, childish, irresponsible, just because my goals in life don’t involve having children? Does my decision make me less of a person, less of a woman? What if I just couldn’t have children—would they still give me the patronizing tone? Or the pitiful one, perhaps?I think this irks me even more since so many people aren’t especially bothered by the fact that a girl who just turned 18 may have a child, but when a grown-up woman decides against it after having seriously considered the matter, all of a sudden she appears like the black sheep, the idiot, the abnormal one, for taking a decision that, in the end, demands just as much thought as choosing to bring life to this world (well… normally). Remember we go against society here, which is always a harder road to take. I wonder if men get the same treatment, or if they have a little more freedom in that regard?I probably should mention the larger picture here, too: one can’t really know what other people do need or want, so why do we try to enforce our own views on others? I say “we,” because I’m pretty sure that all of us have done it at a moment or another (some people simply never stop, alright). Do we feel like we’re so above everyone else, to allow ourselves to consider them like children and patronize them? It’s not about giving advice, of course, nor about sharing one’s experiences, nor even about teaching. What I target here is those who allow themselves to tell you what to do, without even necessarily having much experience in the matter, because they think their opinion is worthier than yours. Not one person is completely similar to another; what works for one doesn’t work for the other.However, this is also a double-edged opinion: after all, I don’t know what other people have experienced in their lives, and I have just as little right to tell them how they should behave. That’s why writing this is somewhat a hard task. I feel irked and angry, yet by complaining about it, I can very easily fall into the very same trap of telling other people what to say (or, in this case, not say) to me. I feel they are intolerant of my views, yet by saying this, am I not somewhat intolerant myself as well?I suppose that we often want to share our own experiences, to compare our thoughts, and this is a very valid desire. The danger is when we become patronizing in doing so, assuming that we necessarily know better, do better, teach better. Is there ever an end to this? I don’t know. It’s probably in everyone’s nature to behave in such a way at times. It’s simply in the long run, when it happens regularly, that it becomes really annoying. So what if I don’t want children? Why worry about the potential regrets I may have in fifteen years? Personnally, I’d rather worry about what kind of horrible mother I’d be, were I to have a child just for the stupid reason of “being afraid of regretting it later”.In the end, perhaps the best course of action is just to accept and tolerate that not everybody’s perceptions are the same. And it’s hard, because it necessitates tolerating the intolerance as well…
FILED UNDER : Reflections
TAG :
Comments are closed.
Comments
Denise
People are weird. I have never understood why people get so offended if a young person (or an old one) says they are childfree by choice and then never blink an eye when someone of the same age talks about how many children they want.People are weird.Childfree people ROCK (and I am not childfree)
Pat
I think those people are just plain rude! They have no right to tell you how to live your life. You just stick to what you think is right, and don’t worry about those ignorant people.I don’t understand anyway, how people can want someone who doesn’t want kids, to have kids. What kind of life would that be for the kid?I am a mother myself, but that doesn’t mean I think everyone has to be a parent. People should do what is right for them.
Yzabel
Pat, this is exactly what I think. If a person is happy having children, then I really wish the best to them, because it’s their desire and their choice. gaving children when not wanting them… this is in my opinion an open door to abuse and unhappy kids.Denise: welcome to the club of the boggling mind. I’ve never understood this either.
Anne
I agree that people who say anything about a woman’s choice to be childfree are rude! I’m childfree by choice. I’m 44 and, for years, people have been telling me “time is running out.” What is it about “I don’t want to have children” that they don’t understand? Then, before I had a hysterectomy a few months ago, people asked if I was sad that I’d never be able to have children. Hell, no! One of the good things about it is that I don’t have to worry about birth control anymore.Great post!
Elvira Black
I’m 48–never had children, and never wanted to. I never had anyone advise me on this one way or the other. I’m assuming it’s members of your family or friends who are doing this? It just seems absurd to me.In general, unsolicited advice sucks. I’ve noticed that many people who volunteer unasked for advice are usually about the last people you’d want to listen to anyway. They have some sort of power/ego issue, or jealousy, or resentment, or some type of unsavory agenda involved in trying to manipulate others. Very uncool.If I were the sort of idiot who gave advice on this matter, I’d be more likely to advise people to think long and hard before bringing a child into the world. There are many abused and neglected children out there. I would say it’s their business–but if they hurt their own children I think that becomes more of a public problem. But other than that–breed, don’t breed. Just don’t tell me what to do.
Gone Away
Hey, it’s none of my business! Do what you want to do, Yzabel. 😉
Yzabel
The “good advice” mostly comes from people I know directly or from family, indeed, although at times it has also sprung from online discussion when the subject is raised (thanks goodness, my own parents at least leave me alone and have never asked “when do we get grandchildren”). There must be something in this linked to the whole “biological clock ticking” thought, since so many people assume that a woman is bound to feel this one day or the other; in all honesty, mine got silenced by Brain a few years ago, and since then I’ve felt like things were perfectly put into place.In a way, I also think that for a person my age and my situation (working part-time from home, writing the rest of the time, in a stable relationship, about to buy a house), which is “perfect” to have children, if I really wanted to have some, I’d know it by now.As for people who have children for wrong reasons… hurting them is inexcusable. If one is not ready to properly love and care for a child, then I really wonder why they wanted one in the first place…
Yzabel
As an add-on, I’d like to thank all of you for commenting. I was somewhat afraid, I admit, to find “negative” posts about my choices here (unfortunately, I’ve already been to places on the web where saying “I’m child free” would raise storms of protests bordering on personal attacks), and it was a relief and a good surprise to see the actual comments on this entry. Thanks for sharing your opinions.
N. Mallory
I’ve never understood this. I’m 34 and when I tell people that I’m not interested in having children ever, they say “Oh, you’ll change your mind once you’re married.” I always have to resist slapping them. Instead, I point out that I have no intention of getting married either.
ME Strauss
I have a son. It’s a wonderful experience that has changed ME. BUT THAT IS MY LIFE.I am not you living your life. Who am I to tell you what you should think or what you know. I HATE it when people do that to me.Jealously guard your independence and your right to to live your life as you need it to be. I applaud you the fact that you think about such things. Too many do too many things–get married, have kids– merely because it is the next thing to do.Smiles,me-Liz
Yzabel
Ah, this argument I get at times too: “you’ll change your mind when you’re married/when you find the right guy”. Except that “the right guy” for me doesn’t want children either… else he wouldn’t be the right guy.This also irks me–how can they know whether I’d change my mind or not? I know that some people change their minds, yes, but this is an important decision, and being told “you’ll change your mind” as if it was nothing more than choosing a new color for my paintnail is… mind-boggling and insulting at the same time.I indeed intend on guarding this independence. I can compromise on many things… but not on this one.